Inward/Outward

As I was sitting crocheting at 5.30am this morning I had a sudden revelation. It dawned on me, why I am still dressing so flamboyantly and have my hair so wildly at my age and also why I always wanted to be in the public eye (bands, festivals, workshops, social work prove that). The reason for it is that inward values never counted in my family. Things like a good heart or a quick brain weren't important unless you carried them on the outside, i.e. became a good samaritan or a rocket scientist. Just being the way you are was not accepted. I have a lot of musicians, painters and grand gesture people in my family with huge houses and flashy cars. Nothing wrong with that as long as they are happy. But I am losing the point here, I was going to talk about me and why I am so different. Me being me and hence completely disagreeable to 'normal' society standard, I have chosen to carry my rebellion outward. And I reckon I got stuck there. Outward became my value too. So, after all, I am not so terribly different from the other family members. I just permuted the whole thing wrongly and did myself more harm than favours with it. Oh well, too late now. The damage is done, was done in my early years really, and I wouldn't even know how to change now. I don't even think I would be happy any other way. But at least I am aware of it now and can curb it if need be. Who the fuck needs therapy? Just getting up really early brings similar results. Only kidding of course ...