Preparing to leave another addiction behind ...

This time it's nicotine! I have had this lingering flu now for the 5th week. On Monday my GP called me in for what she called a 'routine' appointment. I supposed she just wanted to check up on how my second round of antibiotics went. Which, admittedly, was part of it. I said that I felt a little better, but that the flu by far had not gone. So she replied that she had been thinking about my condition and has come to the conclusion, that I probably have COPD (you can google it, if you don't know what it is). She made me blow into this cardboard device which to a certain extent measures your lung capacity. After the first blow, she commented that it was pathetic and must be wrong. I blow again, completely to how she advises me to do it ... deep breath, wrap lips around device and blow as much as you can. Same reading as the first time - 250 ml. She looks at me and hmmmmm's. So off we go for a 3rd time. Same result! At that point she tells me that I need a spirometry to accurately measure my lung capacity and see what inhalers I will need to treat the COPD and to see how far it has progressed already. She prescribed me steroids in the meantime to "patch me up" a bit as she called it. I told her that I was badly suffering during the HepC treatment from short breath and aching lungs and asked if the chemotherapy could have worsened the condition. Although she didn't give me a plain 'yes' or 'no', she nodded in agreement. I think this is commonly known as FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE. 

I have been thinking about giving up smoking for a while now. In fact I have proclaimed in the past, that if I rid myself of the HepC virus, the next thing I will rid myself of is the nicotine addiction. And just a couple of weeks ago I did put my name down for the no-smoking clinic. Unfortunately I have not heard of them and voiced this to my GP. She said that there was a recent high demand for the clinic, which of course is good, but also means, that I am on a waiting list so to speak. Well, we'll see if I might get moved up a little quicker now. It's is scary though, to have to give up another addiction. Mind you, I was scared giving up heroin and alcohol too (ok, so I do still drink a little, but never exceed 1 or 2 drinks) and I have managed it. There hasn't been any heroin in my blood for 9 years in July and I feel fine with that. But of course, I still have the codeine and morphine in small doses. I wouldn't be able to live with the arthritis and fibro pain otherwise. I am not quite sure why the thought of giving up smoking scares me shitless. Maybe it is just the oral satisfaction thing ... or the fear of gaining weight. I feel overweight already at just under 53kg, and I know this is another obsession I haven't quite managed to cope with or rid myself off. Indeed the last time I got back on gear was because of weight gain. Stupid, I know, but true.

Anyway, I digressed. In a way I do hope the stop smoking nurse phones soon, on the other hand I treasure every minute she hasn't phoned. And feel guiltier with each cigarette I smoke. Plus of course, I feel completely and utterly alone with all of this as usual.